PORTLAND, OR — Expressing disdain for the beverage’s malty undertones, local Subaru Forester owner Garrett Smith proclaimed that he, in fact, is not a fan of the particular beer you chose to order, according to sources.
“I had to tell him. That beer is just terrible,” Smith said after ensuring the topmost button of his red buffalo-checked flannel shirt was securely fastened. “The head is way too thick, and the lacing is downright strange.”
Smith explained that ‘lacing’ refers to the pattern left by the foam on the inside of the glass as the beer is consumed. When asked how this affects the taste, he was baffled by such colossal ignorance.
“I know my beers.”
“The Subie and I have been all over,” Smith boasted, referring to his recently purchased Subaru Forester. “There are only a few beers I have not sampled.”
His favorite beer?
“Oh — that would be ‘Riding Mower Trimmings Bag IPA’. ”
Smith gestured toward his vehicle, and it became apparent he had stationed it in the forlorn outskirts of the parking lot. “I don’t want some idiot in a Prius to door-ding it,” he said. Smith further declared he had begun the modification process, with politically charged stickers on the tailgate, and a bicycle rack affixed to the roof.
“Most guys on the forums say the bike rack is a job for a mechanic, but I handled it myself.”
Smith then stepped outside by his car and remained there for quite some time. Anonymous sources indicated that he was using a large electronic cigarette to “blow a few clouds to get away from the beer cretins inside.”