Cadillac Says They Aren’t Putting A V8 In The CT5 Because They Like Keeping People Up At Night

DETROIT—After announcing their new CT5 sports sedan, Cadillac invited us to a tour of the production facilities for the vehicle. We drove out to Detroit to see what was what.

As soon as we arrived we asked about a possible performance version.

“Well… It’s probably going to happen” Our host said.

We asked if he could show us anything from the new performance variant they had finished so far.

“I mean.. We’re deciding on an engine now if you guys want to come look around.”

We nodded excitedly and he took us back into the factory. We got to the corner of the large facility, which looked a little sketchy.

There were various engines with parts hanging off of them sitting on tires around a CT5 that only had primer on it. An engineer was applying body filler to the car’s fenders with no gloves or mask. A group of men were standing around an open can of the grey resin, looking at the engine bay with their arms crossed.

One of them spoke, staring at the engine bay. “Well we did de-tune that new V6 down from 400hp.”

There was a pause for a moment before another one of the men responded.

“Yeah did people have any comments about that last V6 we could improve on this time?”

One of the men leaned down and dipped his pinkie finger in the Bondo. He touched it to the tip of his tongue and smacked his lips.

“No… Everybody loved that one.”

At this point we stepped forward and asked about all of the other engines sitting around. What about the dozen other V8 engines GM makes?

One of the men responded, “Well… we did just make that new one I guess… the black… something?”

“…And the LT1.”

“…And the LT4.”

“Also the LT5…”

“I mean we even still make the LS3.”

“…And the LS7.”

The man scratched his head as he stared back at the engine bay.

“What engine do we use though?”

“We could just turn up the boost on this V6…”

We again reminded the men of the dozen eligible V8 engines sitting on tires around the car.

All of them simultaneously sighed and scratched their heads. A lot like Stan, the Chotchkie’s manager from Office Space.

Our host spoke up, “What does Terry think?”

One of the men yelled at a nearby garbage can. “TERRY!”

There was no response.

He walked over to the can and kicked it over. Bottles and debris poured out of the receptacle as a man fell out of it.

The vagrant looking man quickly got up and gained his balance.


“What engine, Terry?”

Terry clocked his head sideways and attempted to light a cigarette butt he had found in the mess from the garbage can.


“For this car, Terry.”

He pointed to the Blackwing with his cigarette.


All of the men rubbed their temples as Terry still pointed with his cigarette.

“Then people would be able to sleep at night, though…”

Another one of the men lifted up the can of bondo and took a very deep sniff. As he removed it from his face if left a grey spot on the tip of his nose.

“Yeah… Yikes…”


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