DEARBORN—At a press conference Wednesday, Ford executives unveiled a brand new gutless, rhombus-shaped, all-wheel-drive piece of shit. We were unfortunately there to get the details.
A representative took the stage. “As you well know, we are transitioning out of passenger cars, and into the crossover market. This new vehicle will be the first of many to give our consumers the best possible compromise of everything they want in a car. Even if it means the vehicle actually ends up being useless.”
This statement was met with rapturous applause from the audience.
A man in the front raised his hand, “Yeah, what engines are gonna be available? And transmissions?”
“Great question. We’re planning on having two engine options. The first is a completely gutless naturally aspirated two liter. The whole engine feels like it’s breathing through a coffee stirrer.”
“The second is the one liter Ecoboost. It really has no business in any car we sell here. When you put your foot down on the highway, you’ll wonder how you ever even got going that fast in the first place.”
“As far as transmissions go, there’s only one choice. That would be our DPS6. We actually used 60 grit sandpaper for clutch packs in this transmission to save the consumer a few bucks.”
“It will shake so bad that you’ll think your car needs an alignment every 2 hours. Changing gears feels like a 16 year kid yanking second in a stick Pinto.”
“Anybody else? Questions?”
A woman stood up, “How good is the all-wheel-drive? And why is there so little cargo space?”
“Both great questions. The all wheel drive is gonna be able to help you take off from a slippery start. It will also stop your car on a dime if you’re going 75 on a snow covered freeway. Even on worn out all-seasons.”
The woman nodded as if she already knew this.
“As far as the cargo space goes, that’s you’re fucking problem, lady. You all want a car that’s also a truck, but you need it to be sporty, too. Whatever the fuck that actually means.”
“It has to be AWD because you’re too cheap to buy winters, but then you bitch when it only gets 30 on the highway. All this shit you want makes it heavier and smaller inside than any comparable sedan. It brakes, corners, and accelerates like a bus.”
“The A pillar is also thicker than your fucking neck.”
“And the seats get warm, the trunk opens itself, and you can plug your phone in; play your music.”
The woman looked excited at this proposition.
“Thanks for that answer! I’m really excited. Oh, one last thing, what will it be called?”
The executive adjusted his tie and put the microphone very close to his mouth.
“The Probe, ma’am.”