Christian Horner Says Losing Daniel Ricciardo Was Vital Part Of Plan To Have Ugliest Drivers On The Grid

MILTON KEYNES—In an interview Sunday at Red Bull’s headquarters, Christian Horner informed us that he was not at all worried about losing Ricciardo for the 2019 season. This comes after the Australian left the team in favor of joining the French outfit, Renault.

“It was all part of the plan, you see.”

What plan was that?

“Well don’t be stupid. Look at those boys now. Look at our drivers.”

We examined a poster behind Christian of their two drivers for the ’19 season. They were both standing confidently in front of their car. Christian turned his head back to look with us.

“Aren’t you frightened?” He said, as he turned back to us.

We were unsure what to say.

“We couldn’t have kept Ricciardo if we wanted to intimidate other teams. Have you seen his teeth? They’re bloody perfect. When that man smiles it’s like all of your troubles instantly disappear and you’re drowning in his big, beautiful eyes.”

“Couldn’t have that.”

We nodded slowly.

“I had Adrian crunch the numbers, he says we could just race the 2018 car.”

A distant voice yelled from the other room,”No I didn’t!”

“He told me that our new drivers are scary enough to overtake a Merc in party mode.”

“That’s not true!” Adrian responded.

“Oh he’s just being a negative Nancy.”

Christian yelled into the other room, “Adrian theres a pigeon here with the 2021 regs!”

“Very funny!”

“No, Adrian I’m serious! It’s right here on its roost!”

Adrian opened the door and came into Christians office. He walked over to the bird at its roost and began to untie a very long scroll from its leg.

“Oh, very nice. I thought they were coming next week.”

“Cheers.”

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