Sticker Installation Shop Facing Closure After Subaru Lineup Gets More Boring Every Year

FAIR LAWN—After hearing of their financial troubles, we went to our local sticker installation shop to see what is causing the slow business. We interviewed the shop owner with a few prepared questions.

What sort of people typically come in to get stickers installed?

“Well, mostly kids. Also, adults that still act like kids. Those sort of people. They are sort of car people, but at the same time it seems like they’re afraid to refill their washer fluid. We step in when they buy stickers and are scared to wrinkle them or get messy with the application.”

“Typically they’re the type of guy who gets at most a front mounted intercooler put on his slammed Forester and thinks hes a race-car driver.”

What kind of stickers do they get?

“We get the classics, you know; ‘the world is flat’, the big ‘subieflow’ ones, ‘rumble on’, ‘AWD do it on all fours’, and then some rally related stuff, even though pretty much all of these cars are on cut coils and shitty cast wheels. We pretty rarely get any cars that are actually nice.”

How has business been in the past?

“Business has typically been really good. High-school kids would come in here with a used WRX or something and a bag full of annoying stickers, and we would just charge them per sticker to apply them.”

“We mostly got borderline slow cars with heavy visual mods, and a muffler, or something.”

How is business now?

“Slow. First of all, everyone thinks their old Forester with the two-piece quick-release EJ is the best car ever. Nobody can afford that shit. Your only real hope is some old lesbian couple from Vermont. Shit is always filled with dog hair though.”

“Mainly though, Have you seen the new Legacy? Pretty much looks like a Cruze and a Camry had a fucked up kid. Nobody wants to put stickers on that kind of shit. Forester also looks and drives more like a RAV4 every year. The BRZ is really our bread and butter, but people aren’t buying them so much.”

His theory on slow BRZ sales?

“Well the stock car is just fucking slow. Right? Am I wrong?”

We agreed so he would continue.

“And then, every time Subaru tells us they’re making a performance version, they’re like; ‘Hold on to your cocks! It’s the BRZ STI!’ And its released with like new bushings or some shit and NO more power. For another TEN GRAND!

“I’m sitting here like, Who the fuck cares?”

At this point the shop owner became extremely irate as he ranted. He gradually became beet red and began to sweat as he took to his feet, gesturing like a wild animal.

We decided it was best to leave.

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