WASHINGTON—President Trump announced Monday that he will be placing a ban on all 8 cylinder engines that have more than one camshaft. Many are saying this is a move to hurt European automakers. At a press conference, the president explained his logic, reading from a teleprompter.
“Today this country takes a monumental step forward in engine design. Starting Tuesday, we will be banning the import, and domestic production of four-cam V8s. We all know, the dual overhead cam V8 was a device invented in Europe, with the intention of killing our precious, cam-in-block engines. For many decades, they have had long, snaking timing chains with flimsy, plastic guides, and complicated.. ‘variable lift systems’, that frankly… are killing our automotive technicians.”
“From this day forward, we will be instituting the ‘One or none’ policy. All domestic manufacturers must either continue to make single cam engines, or make the switch. These, ‘Rube Goldberg’, quad-cam engines, will be replaced by one… big, beautiful camshaft.”
Trump then seemed to leave the teleprompter completely.
“Ford… I am looking at you. Frankly, the head on the Coyote… Is embarrassing. It looks like most of the engine. Don’t talk about CFM. Don’t say CFM. And the Mod Motor, the Mod Motor was a total… Disaster. A disaster! You know it, I know it, everybody knows it.”
A Ford representative from the audience spoke up, “Sir? Sir. The Mod Motor Made more power then any other cam-in-block engine at the time. You can’t j-”
Trump spoke over the man. “Quiet. Quiet please.”
“Frankly, Ford, You can speak… You can speak when you have more then two threads for a spark plug in your heads. Okay? More than two. And were not going to say that having three valves is dumb… and weird, frankly. Were not going to say that, people. Not going to.”
“I’ll be taking questions.”
A representative from Mercedes was given a microphone.
“Sir, is it true that you also plan on banning turbocharging? How could you deny the benefits of a turbocharger?”
“I can answer that. Frankly… honestly, we all know turbochargers are cheating, folks. Cheating. We all know that. One of the people in my office, they said, ‘Oh, turbocharging, that’s just a smoke powered fan!’ but I don’t think that’s right. You know, I don’t. It’s not just a smoke powered fan. You could not do so much cheating on power, and emissions, with just a smoke powered fan.”
The Mercedes rep began to speak, “But what does this mean f-”
“And frankly… and frankly, excuse me. Excuse me. You see what is happening at GM with the Silverado. The 2.7 liter… turbo-four gets worse gas mileage… than the V8. You see whats happening there and you know… We better get smart! You can read the article in Car & Driver. It is a big deal. a big deal.”
BMW stood up, grasping the microphone. “Mr president, our company only makes turbocharged V8s with four camshafts. What will this mean for the Americans working here making these engines?”
“I can say this, listen. I can say this. BMW, the N63 is frankly… an embarrassment. It burns oil, horribly. Horribly. The turbochargers you have in that engine, actually… inside the engine, you know, that’s a joke. It kills head gaskets, kills them. There is so much heat shielding, so much. It is horrible.”
The BMW rep protested as the microphone was taken from him.
“Next please. Next.”
A Lexus employee then took the mic.
“Will there be an upcoming ban on four valve engines? Is there a plan to ban overhead-cam engines altogether?”
“Listen, listen. When I came into office, they wanted to ban all overhead-cam engines.”
“Who?” Lexus asked.
“Everybody. Everyone. Congress, the base, Mike, everyone. But I said, no. I said no. I will allow… Four valve engines, but so long as it is done legally. Legally. You see diesel engines, they have four valves, and one camshaft. They can do it. You can’t do it. Why? I asked my people, why can’t they do that? They said, ‘we don’t know!’ So…you people, you have to do that. You have to do it.”
“Next person, please. Last question. Yes, Volvo.”
“Mr. President, will there be any future restrictions on electrification of engines? Is this ban a precedent for what is to come?”
“Well first of all, Volvo, first of all, your new engine, is frankly, an embarrassment. It is a disaster. You can’t have a turbo, a supercharger, and an electric motor on one four cylinder engine. You can’t.”
“Volvo, really, I should just ban your whole company, but I won’t. I’m a nice guy. You know? I’m not going to ban you. When I saw the S90 Cross Country… I changed my mind. I really did think about it, though. I really did.”
The audience all stood up and began to loudly ask more questions as Trump began to move away from the microphone. He leaned in, “Thank you, thanks. Ford, you’re on the right track with the 7.3. The right track. Thank you.”