On Thursday, Amazon announced a new program featuring Grand Tour star James May. They say the new program will be several hours of Mister May sitting in an armchair and discussing engine lubrication systems. The team at bald.tires requested a sneak peak at the show, and although we can’t post it here, we can give you some details on the first few minutes.
The show begins abruptly, with James and Jeremy sitting next to each other in comfortable chairs. Between them is a coffee table with various laminated pictures of engine cutaways.
“Hello viewers, and welcome to Grand Tour’s ‘Lecture on Lubrication’. I’m James May, and I’m joined by my loyal co-star, Jeremy Clar-“
Jeremy spoke up, “I’m sorry James, I can’t do this.”
“What?” (pronounced ‘wot’)
“James I’m not going to sit here for literally hours while you just talk about oil moving about an engine.”
“The program hasn’t even started yet you knob.”
“James, I tried to watch your series about reassembling, and three minutes in I wanted to kill myself.”
“Come on Clarkson don’t be such a plonker, the first engine is from a Porsche! It’s brilliant!”
Clarkson took out his phone and leaned back in his chair.
“Fine James, I’ll stay for one cup of tea and then I’m leaving.”
Jeremy reached for the electric kettle and tried to turn it on, realizing it was not plugged in.
“James… your kettle is broken.”
“No it isn’t, It’s just a prop. They’re making the tea back behind the cameras.”
A camera panned to a younger man pouring hot water into two mugs, and then back to Jeremy.
“James, what is the budget of this program? You couldn’t just have a kettle that worked, and done it yourself?”
“Amazon gave me a quarter million dollars for this program, Jezza. I’m not going to make my own bloody tea.”
Jeremy looked extremely distressed and slumped further into his chair, seeming to go limp.
He stared at the ceiling. “Fine James, just get on with it, then.”
James picked up the first image and began to speak.
“This is the engine from the Porsche 917, a marvel of slippery, lubrication technology. The oil in this engine really works double duty. As the engine has no antifreeze or radiator, the oil acts as a coolant as well.”
James looked very pleased with himself as he reached for a pen. He pointed to one of the oil galleries inside the engine.
“You see viewers, th-”
Clarkson inturrupted, “James, I’m sorry, mate. I just cannot sit here and listen to this.”
“Well come on, I’m not even done with the first one!”
Jeremy got up on his feet, gesturing with his phone, “James, I will literally die if I stay here longer. I am so hopelessly bored.
“Fine, get out then.”
“Well no James, I don’t want to ru-”
James stood up and began to shoo Jeremy away with his laminated paper.
“No, come on, get out. I don’t need your help. Leave.”
The man from earlier placed both mugs of tea on the table and Jeremy reached for his. James slid it over towards his own, and shooed him away once more.
“No, you’re not on my program, no tea. Come on, out with you, man!”
Jeremy reached for it again while James attempted to block him. He tipped it over, spilling tea on all of James’ papers.
“Oh Clarkson you infantile pillock. Look what you’ve done to my sheets!”
“James they’re laminated! They’re fine!”
“Just get out Jezza, I don’t need your help.”
Jeremy raised both hands in a surrendering gesture, and walked from the set. There was a cut in the film and the extra chair had been removed, the sheets were all dry, and there was only one mug of tea on the coffee table.
“Hello viewers, and welcome to Grand Tour’s ‘Lecture on Lubrication’. I’m your host, James May.”