EDISON—After spending his lunch hitting on waitresses at Hooters, area bald asshole Richard Ferris made his weekly pilgrimage the local Chrysler Jeep Dodge dealership. As he was wandering around the lot, a Salesman approached him.
“Looking for a new car sir?” The Salesman inquired.
“Well I don’t know. My lease is up soon, and I’m not really sure what to get.”
The salesmen took out a notebook. “Well, tell me about your lifestyle, what do you like to do?”
The bald man removed his Oakleys and thought for a moment before speaking.
“Well I mostly like to go to my kids sports games and yell at the referee. Then when my wife tells me to stop I like to yell at her.”
The Salesman nodded as he scribbled, as if he had heard similar things before.
“I usually don’t stop until the police are called. When the cops got there I usually flip off the referee, and my wife (she’s typically crying by this point) and I go home.”
“Do you do anything in particular when you get home?”
“When I get home I like to turn on SportsCenter and then continue yelling, but at the television. Typically after that I have a six pack and I tucker myself out.”
The salesman nodded as he finished writing. “Well let me show you a few things we just got.”
The Salesman took the man over to a car.
“This is our brand new 2020 Scat Pack Charger, ‘Sean Hannity Edition’. I can assure you it is the loudest car in its class.”
The salesman unlocked the car and opened the door.
“It has the Sports Center app on the navigation, and the window is the perfect height for leaning your arm out.”
Perspiration begin to form visibly on the bald man’s head.
“Oh wow okay.”
The salesman continued, “There is also a built-in intercom that makes yelling at your kids a little more effective. It has lights on the dashboard to tell you what to say to your wife when there are short pauses in between her yapping.”
The man took a handkerchief out of his pocket and begin to dab his head. His phone rang and he produced it from his pocket.
“Hey baby what’s going on?” he asked in a concerned tone.
Unintelligible Babble came from the phone.
“How the fuck did the dog get out?”
There was a brief pause as he listened.
“Who gives a shit if he killed the neighbor’s cat? Prick shouldn’t let that thing outside anyway.”
More Babble came from the phone.
“Well tell him to fucking go ahead and call the cops! See if I give a fuck!”
“What the fuck do you mean? How is this my fault? You’re the one that wanted the fucking D-”
The man took the phone away from his ear and stopped talking suddenly. He counted to five silently in his head. When he was done counting, he put the phone back up to his ear and listen to the babble for a few more seconds before hanging up.
He grabbed his phone, pressing so hard against its screen with his thumb that he cracked it. He looked at the car as he put his phone back in his pocket and immediately relaxed, as if leaving a trance.
“Does this car have any of that JB Power shit?
“Yes.” The salesman said. “This car won JD Power’s coveted ‘Muscle Car Pissing Contest’ award for 2019.”
“Our market research also shows that all of your douche friends from high school that never really grew up will say it’s badass.”
The bald man scratches head thinking. “Well okay. Does this thing have 4-wheel drive? My wife is scared of the rain.”
“I’m afraid not sir.” The salesman replied. “However our 2020 Ram Rebel Bud Light Edition does.”
The man looked over at the pickup trucks and again began to sweat, dabbing his his glossy head.