DETROIT—After receiving backlash for running allegedly misleading advertisements, Chevrolet has decided to re-run the ads with a car that meets the standards they present. More specifically, a 1997 Cavalier with two hundred thousand miles on it.
The group of ‘regular people’ walk into the frame.
A woman asks, “Wow! Is that an Audi?”
“No, that’s the new 320i, the interior looks exactly the same!” Another man responds.
“You’re both wrong!” The presenter exclaimed.
“This is the 2019, 1997 Chevrolet Cavalier! Winner of the JD Power award for ‘Running like shit, but for a really long time’.”
Another man spoke up, “Wow. Is it a turbo?”
The presenter turned to the man, “No!”
The presenter got in front of him and pointed his finger in his face, “Shut the fuck up! Do you even know what that means?”
The man was speechless.
The other woman in the group piped up, “Does it have… An engine?”
The presenter whipped his head around to look at her, “Yes!”
“This vehicle is equipped with the legendary 2.2 liter Ecotec. It propels the Cavalier to impressively average speeds and gets fuel economy Car and Driver called, ‘reasonable’.”
The presenter then pulled the hood release and walked to the front of the car, fumbling with the latch for a few minutes.
“Come on you fucker…” he mumbled under his breath, yanking on the hood.
The hood unlatched and the camera switched onto a view of the engine. The exhaust manifold was covered in rust and had a visible crack. The entire motor seemed to be covered in a thin layer of scale and decaying vegetation.
“You guys wanna start her up?”
The audience members all looked very uncomfortable at this prospect.
“Come on. You on the end! Start her up!”
The presenter threw the keys at the man, who sat in the drivers seat and turned the ignition. The car spattered once and then started. The vehicle was extremely loud due to the crack in the exhaust manifold.
The presenter yelled over the engine, “Give her some revs! Come on!”
The car’s belts squealed as it was seemingly pushed to the absolute limit, according to the camera; about 3000 rpm.
The presenter walked over to the engine, seeing exhaust pouring from the crack in the manifold.
He put his hand over it to try to make it stop.
He clutched his hand, “Does anyone have any ice? Fucking shit.”
He then glanced over to the small audience. He smacked the Chevrolet emblem with his foot, admiring the cars vigor.
“Thing runs great! Purrs like a kitty!”
The driver’s airbag then deployed, knocking the man in the car unconscious. The presenter did not see this around the cars hood.
He reached into his jacket pocket and produced four Arby’s Gift cards.
“Here, take these. Get the fuck out of here.”
The people were shocked, and slow to respond. The presenter shook the cards at the audience.
“Come on! Lets fucking go! Get out!”