Mercedes Claims The New CLA Had Their Focus Group Of Entry Level Brokers “Sweating Like Priests In A Daycare”

STUTTGART—The team at met with a marketing team from Mercedes on Friday. They talked with us about the research they conducted concerning the latest CLA sedan.

How did they determine who they were going to market the new CLA towards?

“Well for that we looked at the data for the sales of the first generation.”

A projector screen slowly lowered itself from the ceiling, and the employee produced a laser pointer from his coat pocket.

The first slide contained a word mashup, containing popular statements from the notes salesman take when they’re selling a car.

“You can see here we had a lot to work with. All of these words are popular statements from the buyers.”

The jumble of words had several that were very large. Among them were, “‘New York’, ‘My bitch wife’, ‘JP Morgan’, ‘Wallstreet’, ‘Golf’, ‘My asshole boss’ ‘Porsche’, and ‘Medium Rare'”.

Why Porsche we asked?

“They all said they were ‘on their way up, fast’, and that their next car would be a Porsche. They said they were starting small though.”

What did this tell them about the car they had to design?

“Well we figured we were designing a car for a junior broker on Wallstreet who probably works for JP Morgan, hates his boss and his wife, plays a lot of golf and eats a lot of steak.”

“Assholes basically.”

“Also a pretty easy job for us. We’ve been doing it for 30 years now.”

He picked up a remote from the table and clicked it.

“This part is the best though.”

The screen changed to a video of what we assumed was a new CLA under a sheet, with several people in suits, seated in chairs in front of it.

“Look at these guys, haha.”

The marketer waved the laser pointer over them.


The sheet lifted off of the CLA and the camera switched to a view of the brokers. Immediately their eyes went wide. Some of the men loosened their ties and began to blink rapidly, as if they couldn’t believe what they were seeing.

The marketer paused the video and pointed a laser at a broker in the back row.

“Look at this guy, watch.”

“We had his wife text him that she was pregnant.”

The man produces his phone, reads the message, and then turns off the device and immediately looks back at the car.

“Almost too easy.” The marketer said.

He paused for a moment and then looked back at us.


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