BMW Announces New Online Feature To Calculate How Many Years You Will Have To Wait Before You Can Afford Clapped Out, Manual Version Of Latest 3 Series

MUNICH—  BMW Announced today a new tool on their website aimed at letting you know when the latest three series will be available with a stick, and for less than four grand. We talked to a representative from BMW to understand how the tool was created.

He explained that by adjusting sliders on their website and clicking different options, you can select what kind of wear and tear you find acceptable, and how long you will have to wait.

“Say you want to spend around three grand at most. So you’ll probably want to slide the miles all the way up around two hundred thousand. Then you might also want to check boxes like, ‘Serious rust on the rocker panel’, or ‘Rip in the ass of the drivers seat.”

“We figure it works out to something like a reverse bell curve.” Said the representative. See, A car is probably most expensive new, and then cheapest between ten and twenty years later.” He continued, “Then the price starts to rise again. The car either becomes a classic, or gets drift-taxed on craigslist.”

“If you can see in the picture that the car is in this guys yard, and hes clearly mowing around it, get over there quick.”

“Cars that look like they’re returning to the earth are your best bet. You can adjust for that with the ‘length of grass around vehicle’ slider.”

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