Mitsubishi Announces New, “Please Just End It All, I Want To Die” Sales Event

Mitsubishi dealerships around the country announce today what every employee hopes is their final sales event. We went down to a local dealership to get the scoop.

After approaching a salesman, we asked what the details of the event were. The salesman stated, “I mean we will finance fucking anybody.” After asking him to expand he said, “Doesn’t even have to be a person. Don’t animals have jobs these days? If A blind guy came in here with his seeing eye dog, we would finance both of them.” He continued, “If your friend lends you five dollars for lunch, Venmo, cash, whatever, and you pay him back in front of us, you can drive out of here no money down.”

After finishing our questions about the new offer, we began to leave, only to find the salesman clinging to our legs. “Hey man please get me out of here. I think I had a family once? Children? A wife?” We quickly shook him off, and ran from the showroom.

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